


I feel like a monster

by awesome_goddess_of_mischief



Series: CapsLok AU [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Jötunn Loki, Loki Feels, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-11 23:04:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2086500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awesome_goddess_of_mischief/pseuds/awesome_goddess_of_mischief
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve wanted to see Loki's Jötunn form, but when a poorly timed panic attack appears, everything is threatened to fall apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I feel like a monster

**Author's Note:**

> So I got this idea and I had to post it asap. So it is written and trown on here. I haven't even read it a second time. I hope you don't think it's to bad. Please don't hesitate to leave feedback.  
> English is not my first language, and I would love it if someone would beta it for me!!!  
> I hope you enjoy it :D
> 
> ps. I just did some minor editing, just some typos and poor word choices. And I made it part of a series because I plan to write some more in this AU.

It all started about a year and a half ago, when the Allfather decided on Loki's punishment. It was determined he would redeem himself by fighting _with_ the Avengers. Queen Frigga being the main reason he wasn't left to rot in a cell for the rest of his life. She was the one who convinced the court it was obvious Loki was tortured, and therefore not completely responsible for his actions. But because all Æsir are complete asses (pun totally intended), they decided that Loki was weak for being broken so easily. ("Must be his Frostgiant nature, they are the scum of the nine realms after all.")

 

So long story short, a month after the invasion Thor appeared in the newly named Avengers Tower with a rather reluctant Loki being towed along. After the first dodged arrows and throwing knives coming from a certain pair of assassins, everything went surprisingly smooth. Mostly because every one of the Avengers knew from experience just how torture could break a person. Not all of them received the news of more than a year of torture very well. Tony's cursing would put a sailor to shame. Steve and even the normally unreadable Coulson (who was very much alive, thank you very much) went pale as sheets. Bruce ran away, the Hulk banging against the walls of his containment room. Natasha just walked away, and Clint... he punched a hole in the nearest wall, mumbled something about not being able to hate a victim of so much torture, and left.

 

A few days later, when everything was cooled down a bit, Loki came out of his rooms for the first time. Although he may or may not have been dragged out by Thor... whatever.

After a rather awkward breakfast everybody got huddled together on the couch, dragging Loki with them after assuring him he was welcome. They spent the entire day watching movies, taking their time explaining every missed reference to Loki, Thor and Steve. They fell into a temporary rhythm. Breakfasts that got gradually less awkward, a big pile of Avenger limbs on the couch, and food delivered at the door. This went on for a couple of days, in which they all learned to accept Loki in the team. It was a period they would always refer to as their 'bonding days'. It was the first step towards the well oiled machine they would eventually become.

 

To everybody's surprise, Loki got along best with Steve. It turned out they had a lot of things in common. They were often found visiting different museums together, discussing different art styles and comparing drawings they made. If they chose to stay inside they would still mostly be found together. Besides drawing on the roof, they loved to sit in the tower library. Of course Tony kept bugging them to just use the tablets. Because _he_ made them _himself_ , and that meant they were _perfect_ thank you very much. So _why_ would you go through the trouble of holding a _book_ when you could just swipe across a screen and have _hundreds_ of story's at your disposal.

He was happily ignored.

 

Loki sparred with Natasha, talked about science with Tony and Bruce, bickered with Thor and drove Coulson crazy by helping Clint with most (read: _all)_ of his pranks.

He felt more at home than he ever had at Asgard. It was true he missed Frigga on occasion, but she was not ashamed to just drop by at the tower. ("Why do these Asgardians keep popping up, it's _my_ tower." "Shut up Tony, you love Frigga's apricot pie.")

Nothing made him happier than the time spent with the Captain though. His perfect sense of right and wrong kept Loki grounded. And it came to no one's surprise when their friendship gradually developed into something more.

They were never really able to pinpoint the moment they felt more than just friendly love. But it was well known that a year after Loki arrived at Avengers Tower they were officially in a relationship. Their museum trips had turned into museum date's, and more often than not their books were put aside for -what Loki referred to as- 'more entertaining ways to kill time'. Clint just called it gross. Apparently national icons were forbidden to make out. The mental images were "Wrong... just... wrong man." which of course led to Loki starting a make out session during movie night. Leading to a screaming Clint and a _very_ embarrassed Steve.

 

They were dating for the most happy half year Loki had ever imagined , when the accident happened.

 

Loki just officially moved in with Steve, and Frigga was talking with Loki about some complicated spell. Apparently Loki's magic was weaker on Midgard. He was a Jötun, using Æsir spells on Midgard. Apparently that drained your magic a lot faster than casting the same spells on Jötenheim or Asgard was. Frigga suggested using Jötun magic, thereby taking away one barrier. Loki was not amused. To put it lightly. Casting Jötun spells caused his Æsir form to fall away, baring his birth skin.

Steve didn't get what the fuss was all about.

 

After talking with Thor he quickly realised two things. One: The Æsir were judgemental, racist and unforgiving people. They were convinced _every_ Frostgiant was barbaric, stupid, cruel and monstrous. ("What about Loki?" "He was raised by the Allfather. He does not count.") Two: _Loki_ thought _he_ was barbaric, stupid, cruel and monstrous. He had to change that. He could not have Loki keep on thinking like that. He was the best person Steve had ever met. And besides being nice, thoughtful and just amazing company, there was not a part of him Steve would consider monstrous. (" _No Tony_ , NOT A SINGLE PART." "Come on, that was too easy." "Not everybody has the mental age of a horny teenager _Clint_.")

 

That is how Steve ended up in their bed facing Loki, asking him to show his Jötun skin.

"Absolutely not."

"Come on Loki, I love you, you know that. I don't care how you look."

"Then you can forgive me for not showing you."

Loki looked away, Steve knew him well enough to see he was embarrassed. He instantly felt guilty. He wanted to make Loki feel better, not worse.

"I'm sorry, forget it." He smiled at the god lying across from him. "You don't have to show me."

Loki swallowed visibly. He looked down before speaking again. If it wasn't for his super hearing Steve would have never catched his words.

"It's okay." He took a deep breath, trying to pull himself together before speaking a bit louder. "Maybe it's better to show you now. I probably should have done so before. So you knew what you were getting yourself into." Steve could feel the self-hatred radiating from the god. He was going to fix that. As soon as Loki would show his other form Steve would kiss him. To show him he didn't care what colour his love's skin was.

Loki seemed to focus, and slowly starting to turn blue. Spreading from the tips of his fingers across his entire body. When he opened his eyes they were a bright red. Steve immediately felt the itch to draw him like this. He was beautiful. The raised lines on his skin made his cheekbones look even more pronounced, sharp enough to cut. The captain leaned forward. Wanting to capture those light blue lips with his. But then the cold hit him. He could feel it seeping into his bones. No. No No No No.

 

_The plane was going down. He was never going to see his friends again. Never get to dance with Peggy. He felt the cold around him. The ice closing in. NO. He couldn't freeze again. He couldn't lose his new friends. Not Tony, Clint, Natasha, Bruce, Thor even Phil. And Loki. He could see his face getting farther away. NO. He couldn't lose Loki. No. Wait. Please. No._

 

He felt warm hands on his back. That wasn't right. There shouldn't be anything else but cold here. Was someone else trapped in the ice?! No. The air seemed to get warmer. He could hear a voice in the distance. Loki.

"Come on, your safe. I won't hurt you. It's okay. Just breathe. That's it. When this is over I will go, okay? You can call Thor, he will keep you safe from me. Tony can build you something to keep me away if you want. And I'm sure Clint and Natasha will be honoured to shoot me if I hurt you or anything."

The warm hand holding him were shaking. The body holding him trembling. The voice that was pulling him from the abyss layered with barely concealed sobs.

"Bruce would love to unleash the Green Beast on me if I tried anything funny. Coul- Coulson will probably tase my ass for upsetting you. B-But that's okay. Nothing less than I -than I deserve."

The sobs were getting more evident while Steve got back to reality.

"Loki?" God, he sounded like a chain smoker. He opened his eyes and blinked a few stray tears away. He looked straight in the face of a very teared Loki. "Hey lokes, I'm fine." He tried to smile, but it came out rather watery.

As soon as Loki heard his voice he started to pull away. "I'll just go now. It's okay, you don't have to be afraid of me. I promise I won't hurt you. I will leave the tower as soon as possible. I know my word doesn't mean much, but I will _not_ put you in harm." By the time he was finished talking, Loki had completely pulled away and was slowly moving backwards. Keeping his hand up, palms flat forward.

Steve was very confused.

 

"Where are you going?"

Now it was Loki's turn to look puzzled. He froze, glued to the floor. "Don't worry. I won't go too far. I'll make sure S.H.I.E.L.D. knows where to find me. If you-" He looked to the floor. "If you still have me, I will make sure to be present during the Avenger calls."

"If I'll still have you?"

Loki winced, and managed to look even smaller. Seeming to shrink away inside himself. "I see." He started walking backwards again. "I will make sure to be out of the tower by the end of the day. I will return to Asgard to serve the rest of my punishment there. You do not have to be near me again."

Steve was getting annoyed. How could a simple panic attack lead to Loki leaving the tower, It wasn't like it was the first time. Didn't he want a damaged boyfriend? But then why would he leave, he could just tell Steve to get out. He quickly got to his feet and walked towards the still withdrawing god.

"Loki, what's going on? I'm sorry I got a panic attack, I know the timing was horrible. I tried to suppress it. But it just sort of... happened. I'm sorry." He was holding Loki's hands by now, who was currently looking at him as if he grew a second head.

"You think I'm leaving because you had a panic attack?" Steve nodded cautiously. "You idiot, I'm leaving to make sure you feel safe. I realise I scared you. How could I not. I _am_ a monster after all. Being scared is a natural reaction. Nothing I wasn't expecting. You don't have to be ashamed about it, or pretend it never happened. I understand you will never want to see me again." Steve thought his jaw must hang at his feet by now. He should have known. Someone with the level of self-esteem issues as Loki would be able to blame himself for a panic attack. Yes, the change in temperature triggered it. But it had nothing to do with Steve being scared. And he should let Loki know that before he completely buried himself in his own hatred.

"Loki, dear, listen to me. I love you, and I'm not scared of you _or_ your Jötun form. I just... the cold you know... It reminds me of the ice." His voice dropped to a whisper. "It reminds me of losing the ones I love. Recently the flashbacks involved losing everything I have now. The Avengers, but most importantly... you. I saw you getting swallowed by the ice. I was- was losing you." He locked his eyes with those of his love. "You are more than your species Loki. Although I must admit the cold did kind of ruin my plans for the evening." Loki raised an eyebrow.

"And do tell. What were your great plans after seeing the monster I am on the inside."

"Stop it. You're not a monster. And I was planning on proving that by making love to you in your Jötun form. Well... I was planning on starting with a kiss. But then I _saw_ you. If I wouldn't have had a panic attack from the cold I would have _jumped_ you right there."

Loki was kissing him. Thank _God_ , he didn't think he could go much longer without the Frostgiant as close as humanly possible. "If I wasn't the God Of Lies I would have never believed that." Steve smiled. "Then it's a good thing I'm a terrible liar."

 

 

It took a while before Loki showed his Jötun form again. But a few months later, Steve had a new painting on his wall. A proud figure sitting on the edge of a roof. The New York skyline a beautiful background for a beautiful creature. His blue skin a nice contrast with the white shine of his bright smile.


End file.
